Concerned that recent attention paid to the John Edwards campaign might hurt his chances in the upcoming primaries, Presidential candidate and former Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced today that he is replacing his entire election staff with the five members of the weblog The Aristocrats.
Four of the bloggers, Mark, Paul, Katy, and Blue Gal, appeared at a Cleveland, Ohio news conference yesterday. The fifth blogger, Sandy Underpants, attended the press conference by telephone from a secure undisclosed location.
The positions to be held by the various members of the weblog had not been determined, though the blogger known as Mark said that, as a group, they had pretty much ruled out "missionary."
"Katy," who is currently out on parole, said she did not see the restraining order against her as affecting her ability to improve Kucinich’s poll numbers. "The Congressman wasn’t getting that much attention from CNN anyway," she said. "And when I warned Wolf Blitzer that one more question about so-called health care and I’d sic the mob on him...well, let’s just say the guy has no concept of blogger satire."
"Sandy Underpants" was asked if he would change his nom de blog or reveal his true identity once the primaries began. "Fuck no. Some of my neighbors are under the impression that I live in mutherfukkin’ Ohio. They’d never leave me alone if they knew Dennis was paying me for this shit."
"Blue Gal" defended her fellow bloggers at the other campaign. "I heard that one of Edward’s blogger gals was under fire for her comments objecting to sexual assaults by Catholic Priests," she said. "While we Aristocrats totally agree with her statements, we put our butts where our mouths are."
She was interrupted by fellow Aristocrat Paul. "Let’s not get into specific opponents’ personal habits, BG. "
"All I mean is," said Blue Gal, "that our "Let Gay Priests Get Married, for Christ’s Sake" initiative will kill several boys, er, I mean, birds, with one stone."
"Let’s not forget the Pope doesn’t vote here," remarked Sandy’s speakerphone.
"Don’t get all Charlie’s Angels on us, Sandy," said Blue Gal.
Paul summed up the progressive campaign. "I definitely see us as taking Kucinich for President in a new direction, and as a purely Linux staff, rather than a Microsoft staff."
Pressed to provide further information, Sandy went on. "It’s a total revenge of the nerds moment. Have you seen the candidate’s redhead wife, for fuck’s sake? Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about."
Asked if the entire blog will re-locate to Iowa in preparation for the upcoming caucus, Mark was non-committal. "We may not, but I guarantee you, those Aqua Teen Hunger Force guys are gonna wish we did, man."
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Crossposted from The Aristocrats